Dear Bloggies,

It’s been five months since my last post about Airbnb review. 2020 surely become the hardest year for all of us, since the corona attack, everything collapsed, suddenly million people become unemployed, and maybe we lost people that we love. During this pandemic, I’ve been doing self-reflection, semacam refleksi diri, mengkoreksi apa yang telah terjadi pada diri ini selama 27 tahun 4 bulan hidup di dunia ini.  

Saya mengalami apa yang namanya writer’s block, dimana saya tidak punya niatan, inspirasi atau semangat untuk menulis lagi. I must admit, I’m more like interested in scrolling on social media, which in the end, it makes me more insecure because believe it or not, sometimes when we see our friends IG Story or their new achievements in life such as marriage, having new baby, build new family, traveling around the world, we felt like are left behind. I was too focused on other people’s life rather than mine. I do not read books anymore, I judge based on people’s post on their social media, and I was too busy showing off that I did some progress, in fact I was not.

I just realized, I was pacing back and forth all this time. I can’t control the way I express my mood or feelings, terlalu meledak ledak tanpa berfikir panjang, and in the end of the day, I was exhausted with my not-progress-at-all life kind a thing, hating myself more because my life stuck right here. Saya meminta maaf kepada orang-orang yang mungkin ter-sakiti dengan ucapan saya in real life also in social media. Ternyata saya masih sangat jauh dari kata berhasil dalam mengontrol emosi, terlebih ketika ingatan tentang hal hal buruk yang pernah terjadi selama tahun 2015-2017, membuat saya tiba-tiba menangis sampai saya merasa kesulitan untuk bernafas. It’s tough, but that’s life, isn’t it?.

Beberapa hal yang sebenarnya bisa saya hindari, tapi saya kembali lagi melakukannya, dan pada akhirnya saya menyesal dan menangis, siklus ini terjadi selama tiga tahun terakhir. Saya hanya bisa menangis sejadi jadinya, menyesali, dan kemudian kembali lagi di siklus yang sama sampai pada titik puncaknya di beberapa hari terakhir. Saya mulai kembali mendengarkan kajian, me recharge iman, mengisi hati yang mungkin sudah mulai mati rasa dengan nasihat nasihat baik. Sebenarnya tidak susah untuk kembali ke jalur yang seharusnya, namun hati saya mungkin sudah mulai mengeras. I don’t want that happen to me, I want to heal and finish the unfinished trauma that I got. Maybe, this post will be my come back post after my longest self-reflection. It’s still a progress for me to be better person each day, better to start now than not doing anything, right?!.

I understand that this year is hardest for all of us, during this pandemic some of us lost job, some lost their beloved people, some plans need to change, some dreams might be postponed, everyone is trying to survive. I’m sure, there will be a rainbow after heavy rain, and God’s plan is always the best. This too shall pass, semua akan berlalu, stay safe, stay survive, and be kind to everyone you meet, because they also fight for their own battle. Fighting!