Dear Bloggies,

I had always planned to perform Umrah with my family someday, but in 2024, something stirred in my heart. Without fully understanding why, I felt a strong urge to register for an Umrah trip with my sister and parents, while they were still healthy and strong enough to perform the pilgrimage.

Eventually, I enrolled, even though the Umrah tour agency was a bit chaotic and frustrating. Alhamdulillah, despite that, our journey was smooth and our worship was made easy. The moment my feet touched the ground at Prince Mohammad bin Abdulaziz Airport in Madinah, I couldn’t believe it. It felt magical, truly a manifestation of Allah’s will. When Allah chooses to knock on the door of His servant’s heart, everything falls into place.

I felt a deep sense of peace every time I prayed in Masjid Nabawi. All this time, I had been carrying the weight of so many sins. If my sins could take form, I imagined them like boils-oozing, painful, and covering every inch of my body. That’s how filthy I felt.

I cried often during prayers there, as if all the sins I had committed were flashing before me like a fast-forwarded movie, showing me just how covered in wrongdoings I’ve been. I felt guilty, guilty for trapping myself in the same cycles, guilty for not being the good person my family thought I was. I cried over and over again. I even had a nosebleed, as it turned out my body couldn’t handle the intense heat of Madinah and Makkah.

This Umrah was the greatest spiritual journey of my life so far. This Umrah awakened something in me, a desire to be better, to do better, even if just a little, every single day. It didn’t "fix" me, but it reminded me that I am seen by Allah, even when I feel broken or lost.

There are days now when I fall back into old patterns, when I feel distant, tired, or hopeless. But every time I falter, I remember the peace I felt in His presence, and the unshakable truth that Allah never leaves me, even when I feel far from Him.

Right now, I’m not in a good mental state. I’m still struggling. But I carry hope in my chest, that I will heal, that I will grow, and that this journey was not the end, but the beginning of something more sincere between me and my Creator.